Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Dialogue Only Experiment

-         - Moon Base 1 this is merchant transport 4PQ-17b: DVSM requesting dock. Over.

-         -This is Moon Base 1. Merchant transport repeat starcode ident. Over.

-         -Roger that Moon Base 1. Starcode ident 4PQ-17b: DVSM. Requesting general dock. Over.

-         -Merchant transport we’re getting some interference. State starcode ident full numeric. Over.

-          -Copy that. Starcode ident: four, pork, quotient, dash, one, seven, bulk. Plates: digital, vampire, sex, music.

-          -Roger that merchant transport. Running ident scan. Remain inert. Over.

-          -Requesting permission to sustain engine engagement. This transport is an older make with brittle coils and a blinky quartz sustainer. If engines are cooled down here, this rig may need to be towed from checkpoint.

-          -Temporary permission granted. Remain anchored to current orbit point. Merchant transport you must be aware that the grandfather clause on obsolete ships lapsed years ago. Junkers bricked on routes aren’t kindly nudged out-of-path or hitched to the nearest jerkwater outpost anymore. A breakdown on a route is now considered obstruction of capitalism and is trans-galactic offense. I could cite you and assign a no-fly bind for having a craft unfit for deep travel. But you’re going to get that heap of shit wrenched on and route-ready before you leave our fair docking station aren’t you?

-          -Roger that Moon Base 1. Immediately after interstellar tariffs and planetary fees paid, payload transfer, refuel and waste extrusion, full repairs will be employed. Thanks for the leniency Controller. Over.

-          -Hey, I came out of transport. I understand your predicament. You plan to stay on base long? Some of the strikers triangulated a worm-hole terminal from some old industrial ion transport reflectors and a silage motor rewired to create an unnatural infinity displacement loop.

-          -A buddy of mine told me about that but I thought he was full of it. Hey has that ident scan come back yet? I need to get out and breathe some fresh air. This recycled air is starting to turn grey.
-          Your ident sheet is printing out now. This worm-hole terminal creates an aperture no bigger than a fuel coupler and I saw this guy stick his hand in there as a joke and instantly his arm froze and he fell to the floor and I’ll be damned if his arm didn’t get stuck in the aperture and shatter. The ignorant sumbitch died seconds later.

-          -I always wondered what the point of a wo…

-          -Merchant transport this is Moon Base 1. You are under orders to immediately disengage all engines and non-vital systems. Enforcers have been dispatched and will board you shortly. Do you copy?

-          -…Copy that.

o   Something’s wrong.
o   No shit something’s wrong.
o   If we get caught with this contraband it’ll be the lazer gallows for sure.
o   No, you’ll get the gallows and I’ll get life in slavery in an acid mine.

-          -Merchant transport you are under orders to cut your engines. Lack of compliance will result in severe measures.

o   I can turn around right now.
o   And go where? We’re low on fuel and there’s nowhere to hide.
o   I gotta do something.
o   Look, let’s play nice like this is all a mistake, and when they board us we’ll be there to greet them at the door with a smile and a couple of razor guns.
o   We’re just gonna kill them?

-          -Merchant transport if you do not comply in 30 seconds the approaching enforcement vehicles will open fire on your centrifuge. Over.

-          -Moon Base 1 this is merchant transport 4PQ-17b: DVSM. We are in full compliance. You just didn’t hear our reply before. Must still be some interference. Inspect whatever you want. We’ve got nothing to hide. There must be some mistake with your manifest. Calm down and come aboard and we’ll straighten this whole misunderstanding out. Over.

o   How are we on rations?
o   We got shit for rations. Some apples.
o   Throw some apples and some cartridges in bags for me and you.
o   We got gasmasks and a map.
o   That map won’t do any good down there. You know anybody on this moon?
o   I’ve never even been in this quadrant before


Ø  - Rrrrrrzzzzzzrr chizzzzt-ttt-tt clink. Bong. Bong. Bongbongbongbong.

o   As soon as the door opens squeeze the trigger.
o   This is fucking crazy. If I die right now at least I can say we had a hell of a ride.
o   I don’t even like you man.

Ø   - Vvvvvvvvvvffffffffffft. Eeeeeeeeeeee.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Internet Voice

Listen to the ocelot woman
The internet is a great place to get your voice heard. It evens the playing field. In real life no one would listen to you because you’re a walleyed coupon-cutting bitch who smells like hay, or an evil dandruffy nerd who’s not even smart wearing a church shirt. But because of the anonymity of the internet nobody can visually ID the cloak of invalidity that covers you like ditch maggots on a possum corpse. You’ve concealed your shittiness. Now people read what you have to say and they judge it based on your words only. The reader has to assume that you’re a reasonable person, and not a bad permed bi-polar ex-stepmom who loves internet pseudoscience or a teen WWE loving dog jacker-offer or a self-righteous new vegan with an unrelenting coalmine-fire of rage and an ITunes full of reggae, socially conscious hip-hop, and Barenaked Ladies. I hate your stupid opinion. You’re wrong. You’re not smart. You’re not funny. Whoever gave you the idea that you were smart? Whoever gave you the idea you were funny? You deserve nothing. You pollute society with your half-baked ideas. You don’t ever ponder anything. You know where a person like you would do great? Prison. Stupidity rules in prison. You’d never have to read and there’s always gossip & bullshit fables that everyone believes. I hate you. I honestly hate you. I HATE you. But I am like you. I…I am you.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Not this kind of bobcat dummy.
Bobcats are like petite post-menopausal women. It’s a fact. If a bobcat gets ahold of your remote control you will be watching J.A.G. or The Mentalist or Judging Amy some other hour-long drama that you didn’t know was still on. A bobcat’s refrigerator contains foods that most folks take pride in finding inedible: bottles of different raspberry vinaigrettes, skim milk, mango salsa. The bobcat’s pantry is no better: an open box of Rosemary ‘n Tuscan Red Pepper flavored Triscuit triangles (stale), Folgers decaffeinated crystals, dates. A bobcat knows little about its compact car, but is still proud about getting a cd player installed in it nine years ago. Bobcats go to reggae festivals and drink wine there. Bobcats go to art openings wearing big kooky earrings and matching goofy necklaces. Bobcats are either really for or are really against gay cat marriage. Bobcats have ‘crazy eyes’ in photographs. Bobcats possess a thinly veiled furnace of hate for their neighbors’ dopey teenage son Brandon. Bobcats love loud sassy gay guys. Bobcats think they do a good job at covertly finding out whether their nieces are having sex or not, but they are wrong. Sometimes bobcats go to singles bars but leave because of all the rap music; “what happened to country line dancing bars,” the bobcat thinks on the lonely drive home with the radio off.
Goodness, I'm having hot flashes. I need some decaf ASAP!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Google+ is a haunted moonscape

Google+ sucks his dick
Google+ sucks junkyard dog dick. It is an empty wasteland. A lifeless planned subdivision of houses in which all the doors are torn off of the homes and wind whistles through the broken windows. If you search through it you can see the signs of other intrepid explorers. An unviewed link around this corner, a graphitized wall here, a shattered mirror there, an eroded pile of human poop unmolested on the thoroughfare. Why is G+ such a hermit’s funeral?

not his dick

The reason G+ is such an abandoned dump is because Facebook is smart. Google+ is trying to do what Facebook did to MySpace to Facebook. (Stay with me here). But part of FB’s meteoric rise coincided with MySpace’s retarded plunge of death. When faced with the far inferior Facebook’s rise in popularity, MySpace decided to make changes that were terrible. Everything that MySpace had to offer that was better than FB, they ruined. Then at the end when it almost over, MySpace redesigned and really really killed themselves. But Facebook isn’t going to help G+ like that. And FB is taking everything that G+ has to offer and doing it themselves

That 2nd paragraph was nerdy but at
least it had an awesome black dude
next to it right? Gimme a break I'm
experimenting with pictures for the
first time.

Google+ feels sad when you go there. I’m not sorry for G+ but it is kinda sad to know that this huge network was set up and that no one will use it. Although why be sad? This program that was just going to sell my statistics, search for keywords in my writings and advertise to me is dead. Good. Fuck it. Fuck FB too. They make money off of us and they force us to look at the world in certain ways. Therefore they’re like our bosses. Fuck the boss man! I don’t get paid enough for this shit!

P.S. But for those of us who live in shit-towns it’s nice to connect with others who live in happening places.

Do you disagree with me? What am I missing out on with Google+? Is there some other site I should check out? Did Lycos start doing kick-butt horoscopes? Did start an awesome dating site? Is Prodigy outing all the Hollywood reptilians? Does AOL still exist? Let me know by posting comments.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Please leave comment with your answer

            I mangle my library books. Not on purpose, but every time I return a library book it is more bent and dog eared and beat up than when I checked it out. Seriously, every time this happens. Does this happen to anyone else? I feel like Lenny making time with Curly’s gal in the barn.
             While I’m not enrolled in school this semester and also can’t find steady work I’ve had to keep myself busy. I’ve been working on video projects, writing, exercising, & music while concurrently taking care of my old man. I’m trying to better myself and get more out of life during my unlucky jobless streak and my waiting period before I transfer to U.C. Berkeley (knock on wood). During this time of freedom I’ve been reading all the great old novels that I haven’t yet read (we can be friends on and you can follow my progress). I tend to write short reviews of the book I recently finished because I have a much different taste than your average reviewer and I don’t care for the thoughts of the book reading status quo. If you read many of the other civilian responses to these books very well written reviews by very smart well versed people with big vocabularies who have terrible taste. You’d think that with all that intelligence and all the hard work they had to do to acquire it that these people would have picked up some taste along the way but no, they haven’t. Most of these people seemed incredibly easily entertained. They love giving away 5 star ratings to books that barely merit 3 stars. Or, what’s worse than that is when they savage a novel that is a masterwork. Usually their arguments are illogical, which to me proves that they are not a smart person but in fact a stupid idiot with a smart persons vocabulary. But sometimes they destroy an original one of a kind novel so great that inspires new types of writing with a logical but wrong argument and it is sad. I think gosh, how could they have hated it so much they must really have a high standard. After investigating their profile I discover that their favorite books are Jurassic Park and Harry Potter, books for grammar school children. Idiots. What I’m saying is many smart people are just as stupid as regular old stupid people.

            Has this whiny squawk about novel websites bored you? It is kind of boring. Do you rarely or never read? I can’t blame you. It can be boring and tedious and it’s certainly time consuming. Also it’s hard to find enjoyable reads. I get it. The one thing I’ll say to defend reading is that if I got through a multi-day period of reading and writing, I am smarter afterwards for a few days. I can easily access trickier or rarely used words in my vocabulary and in general I’m smarter and sharper. Who wouldn’t want to be smarter and sharper? A hemophiliac maybe. God I suck.

            Oh by the way I directed a music video for currently defunct Oakland band Hobocop. Here watch it. Here click this sentence if you want to watch it be cool dude click me!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Tits, TV, & Agony

          I went for a walk this morning. While on this walk I had an epiphany and decided ‘when I get home I’m going to write about that.’ It’s rare for me to have these kind of revelations but when I receive them I want to get ‘em down on paper. I want to let my mind and computer work in harmony to produce stimulating views and ideas on the intricacies of life in this temporary realm. But I forgot that I’m an idiot. Ten minutes later, while still on my walk I tried to recall my earlier vision. I couldn’t remember it because the full processing power of my brains had been squandered on a Beatles based product I had thought up, Sgt. Poopers Lonely Hearts Chub Pants plus-sized widow diapers. My genius destroyed by my stupidity. Typical. But later I was thinking about big boobs.
            I want to see tits on TV. Naked ones. That makes me a pervert. Except at least 50% of the population secretly agrees with me, so maybe I’m not such a sex creep after all. But we can’t see boobs on TV. Are breasts that bad? Are double Ds that disgusting? Are ta-tas that tasteless? Really, are jugs that immoral? 50% of people have them. Hooters are much more common than hunky undying unrepentant murderous junkies (vampires) but you can see one on TV and not the other. Shouldn’t feminists be puffing their chests about the shame society shoots all over their breasts? It is an insult to women suggesting that their bodies are inappropriate; unsuitable for view the popular entertainment. On top of that, the lack of coverage of uncovered bosoms is also insulting to men in that there exists some underlying belief that men couldn’t handle seeing raw teat. If a set of boobs are shone on television after 10pm that men will revert to ape like levels of nonchalance and whip their dumb sticky dicks out just start tugging off right there in Nana’s rumpus room. Maybe during a foreign film with a few nipple glimpses father and son will take turns buttfucking the old Magnavox TV rights there in the den underneath the Olan Mills family portrait while Mom & Sis hide and cry underneath Great-Grandmother’s hand sewn quilt. Both feminists and chauvinist pigs alike should be marching in the streets with signs emblazoned with slogans like ‘free the TV chi-chis’ & ‘where’s the boobs?’ & ‘titties are people too.’
            The flip side of the argument would be that if they show bazooms then they’re probably going to have to show cocks too. Well, my retort would have to be…fine. We’re all adult here. Wow man junk, whoopadee-doo! I see at least one penis every day (my own thank you very much). I don’t want to see shlongs but I’m not going to spew hot chunky barf all over my wife’s jugs and blouse because I saw scary wang. If you don’t like it, you should change the channel and watch NCIS or other wholesome primetime shows where they examine strangled rape corpses. Why the fuck is it okay to see truly sickening things like the dead bodies of real life murder victims and hot dog eating contests and Khloe Kardashian, but it’s illegal to see a woman’s nipple? WHY? It is insane. We can watch “reality” shows which (as you should be able to infer from my use of quotation marks) are fake as fuck, starring limelight grubbing useless unlikable fame jackals but showing a mom breastfeeding in a drama is breaking the law. These reality stars are the worst people in society, and they hog most of the American television set. They are already influencing society for the worse (much much worse) yet these self-proclaimed family-watchdog groups have no problem with that shit but a married couple making love and you see a few seconds of nipples, well then they’re up in arms. They start a letter writing campaign and boycotting Smuckers & Pepperidge Farms & Stouffers stovetop stuffing & I don’t know…Fanta. I personally invite all watchdog groups to toss my salad, unless of course your watchdog group involves several people gathering and watching a dog; in that case please, take my blessing and don’t lick the inside of my asshole.
            I saw the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen the other day on TV. It was starving African babies on the 6 o’clock news. They weren't healthy like the tit-chomping tot above. They were small and skinny like the skeletons of newborns even though they were like three and four years old. They had dazed looks in their eyes. Some looked like corpses, but then they would move slightly. Crying & starving & there is nothing you can do to help them. They are probably already dead by the time you see the video footage. You could send aid money, but some of that gets funneled off and the rest gets through and buys sacks of grain or medicine but then that gets hijacked by some tribal warlord or a warlord who runs a gang of child soldiers who machete kill innocents and they use rape as a weapon of war on the AIDS-iest continent on earth. So they were showing dying children in pain that cannot be saved. They were showing pure SUFFERING. That’s it! The sheer AGONY of helpless children rotting to their early death brought to you by Sunchips & a medication for a disease some pharmaceutical company just invented. Nothing is worse than that. I can see undernourished hallucinating stunted unloved desert children in their death throes but not a couple of juicy sweater puppies. The 2nd worst thing I saw was some internet porn that I didn’t know what I was getting into until it was too late. It was so horrific it is tattooed on my brains. I won’t tell you what it is because I don’t want to infect you with the evil I was exposed too. I’m pretty sure it was legal, but man it shouldn’t be.
            The answer? Show it all. Have warnings beforehand and let it go. Let the free market sort it out just like those fuck ass unrestricted capitalist raiders want. After all, we’ve all sucked on tits.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Get Serious About Politics!

Leggies and gentlepears, step right up to see the dysenterious curds of the equatorial gridlock pajama zone. Canadian television hath provided us with shapely hams and illiterate green bees and thrashed potatoes upon a bed of an incontinent AIDS rapist named Chintzy Pelter. For one thin dime or two lard-assed nickels you will see lay-z-boys jettisoned from falling skyscrapers, all matching kids overalls 50% off this weekend on the top floor of Sky Ticklers in Concord on Willow Pass Rd open weekdays 'til 8(a.m.) weekends 'til 5(b.m.), DVD players for four bucks, ADD Mayors commandeer trucks, PCP lawyers biscuiting crux, OPP sayers rescinding fucks, mushpot gooses cursing ducks, cars banana-ed out by the rapping simians of Btv’s Chimp my Ride, slinky eye glasses, fart rashed asses, blast viceroys with molasses, and as always try the dump dip.