Google+ is a haunted moonscape

Google+ sucks his dick

Google+ sucks junkyard dog dick. It is an empty wasteland. A lifeless planned subdivision of houses in which all the doors are torn off of the homes and wind whistles through the broken windows. If you search through it you can see the signs of other intrepid explorers. An unviewed link around this corner, a graphitized wall here, a shattered mirror there, an eroded pile of human poop unmolested on the thoroughfare. Why is G+ such a hermit’s funeral?

not his dick

The reason G+ is such an abandoned dump is because Facebook is smart. Google+ is trying to do what Facebook did to MySpace to Facebook. (Stay with me here). But part of FB’s meteoric rise coincided with MySpace’s retarded plunge of death. When faced with the far inferior Facebook’s rise in popularity, MySpace decided to make changes that were terrible. Everything that MySpace had to offer that was better than FB, they ruined. Then at the end when it almost over, MySpace redesigned and really really killed themselves. But Facebook isn’t going to help G+ like that. And FB is taking everything that G+ has to offer and doing it themselves

That 2nd paragraph was nerdy but at
least it had an awesome black dude
next to it right? Gimme a break I'm
experimenting with pictures for the
first time.

Google+ feels sad when you go there. I’m not sorry for G+ but it is kinda sad to know that this huge network was set up and that no one will use it. Although why be sad? This program that was just going to sell my statistics, search for keywords in my writings and advertise to me is dead. Good. Fuck it. Fuck FB too. They make money off of us and they force us to look at the world in certain ways. Therefore they’re like our bosses. Fuck the boss man! I don’t get paid enough for this shit!

P.S. But for those of us who live in shit-towns it’s nice to connect with others who live in happening places.

Do you disagree with me? What am I missing out on with Google+? Is there some other site I should check out? Did Lycos start doing kick-butt horoscopes? Did hamsterdance.com start an awesome dating site? Is Prodigy outing all the Hollywood reptilians? Does AOL still exist? Let me know by posting comments.

Please leave comment with your answer

            I mangle my library books. Not on purpose, but every time I return a library book it is more bent and dog eared and beat up than when I checked it out. Seriously, every time this happens. Does this happen to anyone else? I feel like Lenny making time with Curly’s gal in the barn.

           

             While I’m not enrolled in school this semester and also can’t find steady work I’ve had to keep myself busy. I’ve been working on video projects, writing, exercising, & music while concurrently taking care of my old man. I’m trying to better myself and get more out of life during my unlucky jobless streak and my waiting period before I transfer to U.C. Berkeley (knock on wood). During this time of freedom I’ve been reading all the great old novels that I haven’t yet read (we can be friends on www.goodreads.com and you can follow my progress). I tend to write short reviews of the book I recently finished because I have a much different taste than your average reviewer and I don’t care for the thoughts of the book reading status quo. If you read many of the other civilian responses to these books very well written reviews by very smart well versed people with big vocabularies who have terrible taste. You’d think that with all that intelligence and all the hard work they had to do to acquire it that these people would have picked up some taste along the way but no, they haven’t. Most of these people seemed incredibly easily entertained. They love giving away 5 star ratings to books that barely merit 3 stars. Or, what’s worse than that is when they savage a novel that is a masterwork. Usually their arguments are illogical, which to me proves that they are not a smart person but in fact a stupid idiot with a smart persons vocabulary. But sometimes they destroy an original one of a kind novel so great that inspires new types of writing with a logical but wrong argument and it is sad. I think gosh, how could they have hated it so much they must really have a high standard. After investigating their profile I discover that their favorite books are Jurassic Park and Harry Potter, books for grammar school children. Idiots. What I’m saying is many smart people are just as stupid as regular old stupid people.

            Has this whiny squawk about novel websites bored you? It is kind of boring. Do you rarely or never read? I can’t blame you. It can be boring and tedious and it’s certainly time consuming. Also it’s hard to find enjoyable reads. I get it. The one thing I’ll say to defend reading is that if I got through a multi-day period of reading and writing, I am smarter afterwards for a few days. I can easily access trickier or rarely used words in my vocabulary and in general I’m smarter and sharper. Who wouldn’t want to be smarter and sharper? A hemophiliac maybe. God I suck.

            Oh by the way I directed a music video for currently defunct Oakland band Hobocop. Here watch it. Here click this sentence if you want to watch it be cool dude click me!

Tits, TV, & Agony

          I went for a walk this morning. While on this walk I had an epiphany and decided ‘when I get home I’m going to write about that.’ It’s rare for me to have these kind of revelations but when I receive them I want to get ‘em down on paper. I want to let my mind and computer work in harmony to produce stimulating views and ideas on the intricacies of life in this temporary realm. But I forgot that I’m an idiot. Ten minutes later, while still on my walk I tried to recall my earlier vision. I couldn’t remember it because the full processing power of my brains had been squandered on a Beatles based product I had thought up, Sgt. Poopers Lonely Hearts Chub Pants plus-sized widow diapers. My genius destroyed by my stupidity. Typical. But later I was thinking about big boobs.

            I want to see tits on TV. Naked ones. That makes me a pervert. Except at least 50% of the population secretly agrees with me, so maybe I’m not such a sex creep after all. But we can’t see boobs on TV. Are breasts that bad? Are double Ds that disgusting? Are ta-tas that tasteless? Really, are jugs that immoral? 50% of people have them. Hooters are much more common than hunky undying unrepentant murderous junkies (vampires) but you can see one on TV and not the other. Shouldn’t feminists be puffing their chests about the shame society shoots all over their breasts? It is an insult to women suggesting that their bodies are inappropriate; unsuitable for view the popular entertainment. On top of that, the lack of coverage of uncovered bosoms is also insulting to men in that there exists some underlying belief that men couldn’t handle seeing raw teat. If a set of boobs are shone on television after 10pm that men will revert to ape like levels of nonchalance and whip their dumb sticky dicks out just start tugging off right there in Nana’s rumpus room. Maybe during a foreign film with a few nipple glimpses father and son will take turns buttfucking the old Magnavox TV rights there in the den underneath the Olan Mills family portrait while Mom & Sis hide and cry underneath Great-Grandmother’s hand sewn quilt. Both feminists and chauvinist pigs alike should be marching in the streets with signs emblazoned with slogans like ‘free the TV chi-chis’ & ‘where’s the boobs?’ & ‘titties are people too.’

            The flip side of the argument would be that if they show bazooms then they’re probably going to have to show cocks too. Well, my retort would have to be…fine. We’re all adult here. Wow man junk, whoopadee-doo! I see at least one penis every day (my own thank you very much). I don’t want to see shlongs but I’m not going to spew hot chunky barf all over my wife’s jugs and blouse because I saw scary wang. If you don’t like it, you should change the channel and watch NCIS or other wholesome primetime shows where they examine strangled rape corpses. Why the fuck is it okay to see truly sickening things like the dead bodies of real life murder victims and hot dog eating contests and Khloe Kardashian, but it’s illegal to see a woman’s nipple? WHY? It is insane. We can watch “reality” shows which (as you should be able to infer from my use of quotation marks) are fake as fuck, starring limelight grubbing useless unlikable fame jackals but showing a mom breastfeeding in a drama is breaking the law. These reality stars are the worst people in society, and they hog most of the American television set. They are already influencing society for the worse (much much worse) yet these self-proclaimed family-watchdog groups have no problem with that shit but a married couple making love and you see a few seconds of nipples, well then they’re up in arms. They start a letter writing campaign and boycotting Smuckers & Pepperidge Farms & Stouffers stovetop stuffing & I don’t know…Fanta. I personally invite all watchdog groups to toss my salad, unless of course your watchdog group involves several people gathering and watching a dog; in that case please, take my blessing and don’t lick the inside of my asshole.

            I saw the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen the other day on TV. It was starving African babies on the 6 o’clock news. They weren't healthy like the tit-chomping tot above. They were small and skinny like the skeletons of newborns even though they were like three and four years old. They had dazed looks in their eyes. Some looked like corpses, but then they would move slightly. Crying & starving & there is nothing you can do to help them. They are probably already dead by the time you see the video footage. You could send aid money, but some of that gets funneled off and the rest gets through and buys sacks of grain or medicine but then that gets hijacked by some tribal warlord or a warlord who runs a gang of child soldiers who machete kill innocents and they use rape as a weapon of war on the AIDS-iest continent on earth. So they were showing dying children in pain that cannot be saved. They were showing pure SUFFERING. That’s it! The sheer AGONY of helpless children rotting to their early death brought to you by Sunchips & a medication for a disease some pharmaceutical company just invented. Nothing is worse than that. I can see undernourished hallucinating stunted unloved desert children in their death throes but not a couple of juicy sweater puppies. The 2^nd worst thing I saw was some internet porn that I didn’t know what I was getting into until it was too late. It was so horrific it is tattooed on my brains. I won’t tell you what it is because I don’t want to infect you with the evil I was exposed too. I’m pretty sure it was legal, but man it shouldn’t be.

            The answer? Show it all. Have warnings beforehand and let it go. Let the free market sort it out just like those fuck ass unrestricted capitalist raiders want. After all, we’ve all sucked on tits.

Get Serious About Politics!

Leggies and gentlepears, step right up to see the dysenterious curds of the equatorial gridlock pajama zone. Canadian television hath provided us with shapely hams and illiterate green bees and thrashed potatoes upon a bed of an incontinent AIDS rapist named Chintzy Pelter. For one thin dime or two lard-assed nickels you will see lay-z-boys jettisoned from falling skyscrapers, all matching kids overalls 50% off this weekend on the top floor of Sky Ticklers in Concord on Willow Pass Rd open weekdays 'til 8(a.m.) weekends 'til 5(b.m.), DVD players for four bucks, ADD Mayors commandeer trucks, PCP lawyers biscuiting crux, OPP sayers rescinding fucks, mushpot gooses cursing ducks, cars banana-ed out by the rapping simians of Btv’s Chimp my Ride, slinky eye glasses, fart rashed asses, blast viceroys with molasses, and as always try the dump dip.

Ah yes, ghastly business, that.

Hey now everybody how ya doin'? Alright alright settle down. Me? I'm doing pretty good except I can't find a job so I can make money so I can buy a car so I can drive to places that are beyond walking distance so I can expand my range of putrid and offensive me-ness etc etc But other than no job no wheels no woman no cry no more tears Johnson & Johnson shampoo, I'm doing swell. No sarcasm there for reals. Does leave-in conditioner still exist? or was that an 80s/90s commercial scam like flavor crystals, fahrvergnügen, & low tar? I love products/stores with a feminine article before them. Mrs. Butterworth, Mrs. Dash, Lady Foot Locker, Lady Speed Stick, and Mrs. Just-For-Men Lady Beard Dye. Does anyone else recognize Ms. Pac-Man as a feminist other than myself? Her name is Ms. Pac-Man and not Mrs. or Miss. She don't take no chauvinist pig guff and she strongly rejects the shackles of male dictated prefixes in which the bearer not only identifies her marital status but justifies the inequality of western marriage practices. But when the rubber meets the road Ms. Pac-Man really knows how to gussy herself up. With that red bow and high heels she is one sexy woman. The only drawback being that Ms. Pac-Man's nudism tends to get her attention for all the wrong reasons, forcing men to look at her as a sex object thereby trivializing her constant struggle with the phantoms of male dominance that haunt the endless mazes of the arcade machine (an obvious allegory of a working woman's quest for equality and respect in today's sexist world). Also, her lack of an intelligible vagina. How come we hear of chauvinist pigs but we never hear of feminist pigs? If one exists so must the other. Did you think yin-yangs or 8-balls were cooler? I was a yin-yang lad until I learned how to draw the Stussy "S" in seventh grade and then it was all over, I gave me heart to the evil corporate pushermen who ran Stussy. Where are you now Stussy? If you would've asked me in 7th grade if Stussy would be long gone by now, I probably would've called you a dumb-ass scrounge and told you Stussy would be making tuxedos now or at least be bigger than Nike. Bruce Springsteen once said "the times they are a changin'." I never had any idea why that was such a brilliant statement. Yeah, no shit dude. Times are changing. Wow. WOW! What an insightful observation. I heard he wrote another song that was hella important and intellectual called "B comes after A in the alphabet" and one called "water is wet" and of course his classic acoustic ballad "I pooped my pants and now my pants smell like squished poop."

What-EVER! I was just going to write one sentence and then direct y'all to a cool art shirt website on which I wrote some dope junk. Here it is:
http://chunksandnuglets.universalerror.com/


ADDENDUM: My mind was blown when I learned that Paul Mitchell was a real dude, I thought he was like an invented corporate whore slave like Betty Crocker. For me, learning that Paul Mitchell was a real guy was almost as crazy is if the Graffix bong jester skull was alive.

POST80sProto90sMtvMorning

            I meant to wake my ass up early and get hecka little errands done. I woke up early, got a few things done then checked Facebook looking for a message from a friend about something not really important but time sensitive…I guess. Look, the point is a quick social network scan made me fall down a YouTube* vortex that temporarily disarmed my will power, determination, and constitution (it was about 55 minutes to be exact).

            What I watched was late 80s early 90s music videos. It’s my favorite era of videos because there is a freedom there where the performers don’t have to perform very hard and there is dogs running around and I like the goofy haircuts and probably because that’s when I watched Mtv. None of the videos were really that good, some of the songs were but after watching videos for 55 minutes I realized that all the videos are weird and full of non-sequitur shit and they switch it up with different film stocks and have dangling toys and go in and out of focus and show the film strip running out…all of them do this. All of the videos contain the same elements. Then I thought, “They’re all uncreative in exactly the same way.”

            Why? What they are doing is creative. They are interpreting (creative) a song (creative) by the band of floppy haired college dropouts who wrote it (creative) and they use creative elements (creative) and edit it (creative) to make a pleasurable viewing experience (creative) for the middle school kids that watch Mtv (uncreative).

            But turds are created as well, are they not?** I got the same feeling when I would look at Juxtapoz magazine. I’d see all these new artists, but their styles would be exactly like that of an artist from a year or two before that. I definitely saw this at my sister’s art school. You’re supposed to be an artist, not a copycat right? What pleasure is there in copying someone else’s work? Perhaps if you are one of many imitators you feel a brotherhood with your clones.*** You feel shielded by the “scene” that has materialized without permission of the original artist. You are warmed and protected by the hooded sweatshirt of unoriginality. I bet the newer and more original the artist you cop from, the warmer from the dryer you feel. I’m starting to feel like a sucker for not ripping people off.

            Ultimately, you don’t watch a Huey Lewis and The News video and say “goddamn this video is some derivative horse shit!” That’s because Huey has never faked being creative. The man doesn’t have an original bone in his body. He has clung to that double yellow line his whole life and it brought him incredible wealth and success. His dumb ugly band smiles and wears sunglasses on stage or the beach. That’s it. They come out, unzip the pleated khaki dockers of their souls, and whip their uncreativity out for all to see. But some people try and accessorize their unoriginal genitals. They dress them up with a little beret or buddy holly glasses or make their pubes into a rat tail or they pierce their sexy organs and dangle a little fixed gear bike from it. You might be happier and I might be less annoyed if everyone was as honest and open as Huey Lewis’ genitals.

*Hello friend. Glad to see you made it down here to visit me and my little asterisk bud. He gets so lonely sometimes. Anyways the point of this whole derailment is that at the point where I placed the asterisk in the original text I was inspired to look and see if there was a website entitled youtuba on which you could watch tuba videos or perhaps commission a painting of yourself playing a tuba or some such stupid idea. I can tell you right now that in fact that no it’s just some scam to get you to sign up for a free prize. Don’t do it bitch! Because I’m-a gonna win that tropical vacation! Hahahahaha.

** I ask as if you’d disagree with me, “good sir I must dispute your claims on turdlical creationism! Each fecal brick was in fact not crafted by some sort of benevolent creator lovingly extruding log after log, all as individual as snowflakes.”

***I’m pretty sure I would hate my clone.

Night Thoughts

All the nature and/or projected-future documentaries and articles I've been watching/reading/consuming/falling asleep to lately have been incredibly depressing. Like so depressing I want to avoid that kind of informative entertainment altogether. I just want to watch some shit on mysterious jungle pyramids or the reticulated spider snake or traditional Laplander mating gloves.

Am I the only one?

Should I just explode my TV and mailbox and computer? I think I'm going to send National Geographic a bill. I think I'm going to send you all bills. Expect them shortly. Pay the bill or pay the price. Either way I get my pay. Unless you exploded your mailbox by then, you magnificent bastard, you.

When am I gonna evolve already? I am so over being trapped in the stagnant jizz era of Homo Sapiens time ditch. I've been considering morphing into Homo Syrupiens or Robo Sapphieriens or Chrono Sabretooths. I can't believe I'm this old and I don't have a machine gun yet. I KINDA THINK WE WERE PROMISED MACHINE GUNS. When is the next 4th of July? The only day that the world makes sense is the 4th of July.

Shakespeare

For my Shakespeare class we were assigned to write an autobiography that intermingled our experiences with the bard and we had to include some of our favorite poetry. I was the only person who took this work seriously



Autobiographic Asphixiation
SWM seeks nice gal with good horse sense...oh wait. Bio. Hmmmmm. Bio, bio, bio...The year was 1923, the place was ANYTOWN USA (Anytown Usa is a small island in the Sandwich Island chain). My great great grand step uncle Cornelius "Niblets" O'McMactinez had just shot the island Postmistress General through the wig with a concealed crossbow after a dispute over who actually won the assistant sargeant-at-arms position in the Sandwich Islands Giant Turtle and Shakespeare Appreciation Society (SIGTSAS). Unkie Nibs escaped persecution by sneaking off in the night and hitching a ride on the back of a giant turtle to Tierra Del Fuego where he lived happily ever after until he was brutally murdered at the age of 17. But before Niblets died of multiple tusk wounds he found time to impregnate several of the ugliest Tierra Del Fuegons. My relatives bred and bred and bred and and bred and baked bread and had hecka kids and then at some point I was born from inside my mama's tum-tum out into the real world.

I spent my salad days on Tierra Del Fuego. That is to say as a child I toiled at whippoint in a Salad factory there. Then, when Ronald Reagan secretly made deals with Iranian terrorists to "free" hostages in exchange for weapons (the same weapons used to kill U.S. soldiers today) and financed these weapon purchases with money made from huge cocaine deals from central America (all of that coke came straight to Reagan's just-say-no America by the way {what a patriot that man was!}), the CIA hired me to help them invent a more addictive form of cocaine (so RR could give terrorists guns). More addictive form of cocaine? I said, you're asking me to build a better mousetrap. Get to work or get murdered by us, they said. And so it took me a couple of days but I did it. I invented crack. That's me. I'm "the crack dude." And honestly being the crack dude has been great and all but I just feel like it's time to move on. I kinda wanna be "the Shakespeare guy" or "Lil Shakespeare"...there's probably already a rapper named that. But I wanna be like totally Shakespeared out. I'll get my car done up Shakespeare style (put a bust of ol' Willy on my dash, license plate BARDMAN or 2BNOT2B, have a sword compartment instead of a glovebox, etc). I put in my paperwork to legally change my name to Shakespeare Shakespeareson earlier this week. What I want to get out of this class is that I want to memorize every word from every Shakepeare work even Cardenio.
 


This is me & yes, people do tell me I look like The Bard of Avon all the time thank you very much.

Here's a little taste of poetry. The poetry that speaks to me. The Poetry that moves me. That gets me out of bed every morning. I wake up, read poetry aloud at the top of my lungs for 15-20 hours (I call it "screading"), choke down a couple of Kids Cuisines, write several complaint letters to businesses I've never been to, and then I jump back into bed with my parents and sleep until the whole durn thing starts all over again. I have and will never read this poem that has been cut and pasted below, but I have FAITH in its power. It is a poem after all and I just love poetry so much I know it will be good.

There is another sky by Emily Dickinson
There is another sky,
Ever serene and fair,
And there is another sunshine,
blah blah blah toodly too
who cares
-1989


Bang bang. I put the A.K. in shAKespeare

White Fang is my favorite Shakespeare novel. No, I mean Shakespeare in love is probably my favorite Willy S book. No, I never saw that movie. I did see The Merchant of Venice though. I had no idea that Shylock was the villian. I thought he was the hero until they screw him in court and everyone is laughing and triumphant that they ruined that poor jew who they spit on and keep locked up in the ghetto and renege on their contract with. That was annoying but what compounded that is how dull the final third of this thing was and what's with the crossdressing and tricking? Not funny not compelling. He should have pinched that chunk of the play off and flushed it away. So much crossdressing. Who is so stupid that they don't recognize their own girlfriend with a fake moustache on? So much laughing and merriment and gaiety, no thanks. Shakesy baby let's stick to the everyone is stabbed or poisoned on the floor at the end thing.

I've had to read some of his more well known plays in middle school, high school and college jr. I've seen some film adaptations and seen some filmed performances. I struggle with it a lot of the time but I really like how he sort of reimagines language and messes it up and gets his point across better that way. I don't know how to explain it. I'm no Shakepeare. Not yet. Wait, no I take that back. I am Shakespeare. And I demand a neck ruff. and a flagon of something. and some royalty checks. NOW!